Monday, 8 May 2017

A Row With Yousef (again)

It was Multicultural Night and the event organized by international students mostly. It’s been few days since the row. I saw you Yousef from far when walking with my gorgeous gandma (Alaa). You looked so smart and if I can say handsome with that black blazer and green shirt. It can be felt the sense of your charisma and charms even from distant. It is your DNA.

I knew you must be there for the event cause you are Yousef, must be participating in such organizing program and events. The one who always says yes to this kind of things.
So I was truly enjoying the performances while seating at the most in front of the stage. At interval, I turned my head right and left just to at look you but when I walked just in front or near you to get the food, I just pretended to not look at you and pretended to acknowledge your absence yet still felt I don’t know. Empty, angry, none of these maybe.

Alaa said that I was looking shocked like seeing a ghost before we both entered in the hall. My grandma just can’t stop laughing at me saying that I’m clearly have fallen in love with someone. Oh please don’t be so ‘perasan’ (silly) dear Yousef if happened you read this. I actually wondering if you saw me or not during the night but my guts said you saw me and you really don’t care with it. Cause.I.Am.Not.Your.Friend.Anymore.

**Feels like jumping from a cliff**

Once the event ended, I and Alaa sit at the ground floor for the wife wi-fi.
And suddenly you showed up out of nowhere at the cafĂ©! Clothes has changed no more blazer on the body. You gave salam to Alaa and I just like *bone stuck* and turned my back to you. Feeling ‘bittersweet’ and have no desire to see you. In the meantime, you sit near us and I can clearly your voice talking with your girlfriendsssssss. Heard about the technical issues you guys faced just during the event.

**whatever**

I just don’t know, why I end up write on here cause I have no one to hear me rambling and babbling rather than here in my territory. Even Ganga seems like fade up listening to me rambling about you.

**tissue please**

When this happened, I straight away remember of you asking me a favor to represent you as MPKK to the Majlis Gemilang Siswa award ceremony on that Friday and I did it from the bottom of my heart, and you did what? Not even a single ‘thanks’ been wished for me.

**Tissue more please**

I do also spontaneous remember of the moment you are really down with your fuck problem (you know this well) and I tried the best to calm you down, feel that I always be there to support you whenever you are in easy and hard times.  I don’t know If you still keep my lengthy messages on instagram or whatsapp full of courage words and I didn’t give up. I keep on sending it no matter what is it by having you blocking me.

**Seriously you such a sucks at blocking me when we are having conflict, you too have to be GROW UP boy.**

Remember the promises?

“I promise. We will be friend till death do us apart.”
“I will be you brother when you need me..remember that.”
Do you remember?

**Unless you dumb head has loss the memory cause being too arrogant**

Honestly, I love you. As my big brother. Period. That’s it no matter you didn’t trust this statement. When thinking about who you are to me, day by day it becomes clearer and I can see the big picture that you even are nothing to me. You are just a stranger and be friend that just part of the chapter in my life that might come and go. It is just I am so adore with you in terms of your charming, the way you talk, charisma and things like that. You are so right that I am searching the POSITIVITY out there. I just too tired of feeling losing and down and miserable with myself literally thus I always try the best to twist it into positive and be the optimistic one.

My support and your support is totally different can’t you see? I don’t simply block you when we are having row. I don’t give up sending you the motivation and good words to you though you blocked me instead I find another way to reach you so that you will read those words at the end. But when I’m feeling down? What did you do? Just very short words and simply and easily get give up.

I am not that desperate one who would act like a bitch if that’s you are thinking man. I respected you in general, proud to see you mingle with local and the witty and kindness in you makes people love and perhaps misunderstanding about those such friend relationship.

You are the one who should be blamed you know. Your stiff heart, your ego everything.
It is you.
Now, I’ve ruined or we both ruined the friendship.

Now, to Allah I turn and rely to asked for this to be fixed again